How It All Started Innocently
I would bet you & I have a lot in common. Cutting straight to the chase, I downloaded MyFitnessPal going into junior year of high school. I tracked every crumb I consumed, never missed a 5 AM high-intensity workout (& thought that was something to be proud of) & isolated myself from high school events that included food/drinks. I was often praised for these habits from family & friends as it can be seen as “discipline.”
I remember looking forward to moving for college. Not because I wanted to leave necessarily, but I would be alone & able to secretly restrict. I wanted to prove to myself I wouldn’t gain the “freshman fifteen” everyone “warns” us about (when really we are simply becoming adults & figuring a lot of -ishh out, lol). No one there to "distract" me or fall "off track."
Today, I am so regretful for how much I isolated myself in early college (so take it from me, college friends).
My Menstrual Cycle Is Missing - WTF?
I decided to stop taking the birth control pill (I had been on it since mid-high school) because I did not want anything potential factors leading to weight gain. I had heard from some gf's birth control did that (do not take this advice, be your own advocate as everyone is different with this topic). THIS is when I learned I wasn’t (and hadn’t been) getting a normal menstrual cycle at all, for probably years at this point. I just figured the pill was 'masking" my cycle.
At the time, I figured an absent period wasn't a big deal. I ignored the situation and continued to focus on what was most important to me; becoming my thinnest self. I felt dizzy often & was having a hard time concentrating. I went to the campus health center & got blood work done. Due to my normal blood work & them not knowing about my restriction, I was told nothing was wrong. This fueled my fire in ignoring my absent period.
Tried All The Fads I Could Get My Hands On
I often would scrounge up my savings to spend on diet programs. Juice cleanses, fasting kits, portion control containers, you name it, I tried it. If I couldn’t afford it, I would attempt Paleo, Keto, Whole 30 & of course the infamous 1200 calorie plan on MyfitnessPal, all in hopes to keep getting smaller. I thrived on comments like “you look thin” or “are you eating enough."
I thought this meant the dieting was successful.
I Started Getting Scared - So Not Having A Period Isn't Normal?
When I opened up to my mom & a couple close friends about my absent period, they expressed concern. I typically reassured those who asked about my body weight, I was eating enough. However, I knew I was cutting out a lot of food groups & ingredients (i.e. dairy, gluten, high fat, sugar).
I decided to go to the doctors and get bloodwork done as I started to now worry something was actually wrong. The few different doctors I visited told me I "seemed healthy" and there was "no need to stress about an absent cycle" until I was interested in getting pregnant...
(LOL - ok so see ya in 10 years I guess, doc).
Let me just pause here for a moment. If this is you, if you are not having a period and anyone (doc or not) tells you this is normal/healthy, I want you to run
(ok maybe sign out with the secretary - don't go like 3rd grade running style because it's recess, but you’re pickin’ up what I’m putin’ down, right?).
Having a monthly bleed is a vital sign of our health as women. When your period is absent, your body is tellin’ ya something is OFF. It’s unable to function the way it wants & is supposed to.
Ok, we back. *Steps off soap box*
I was getting a bad feeling. So, I decided to research further (still in denial that I was undereating). I received ultrasounds to check for PCOS. Everything looked fine. However, I was now considered a patient with ‘Hypothalamic Amenorrhea’ based on my hormone lab levels & the length of my period being absent.
I went back to my primary & they said if I'm still worried about it, they can try to give me Progestin (synthetic form of progesterone) to jumpstart bleeding (still not a natural period).
A few dietitians I look up to as mentors expressed their concern to this recommendation as this synthetic hormone resembles a “band-aid” approach to the real root of my problem. So, I decided to instead see a holistic doctor and get my adrenal glands, hormones & cortisol (stress hormone) checked. While he had helpful information, no one really knew that I was simply overworking my body and under fueling it, because I didn't tell them, obvi.
At this point, I was completely stumped. I didn't know what to do and I was nowhere near ready to heal my disordered eating habits. Per usual, I pushed my period probs to the back burner and stopped seeking medical advice.
But Then...
COVID-19 happened. I moved home (from college in San Diego) and in with my parents. This was hard because now I was no longer restricting foods in private (weighing/measuring foods, counting almonds, binging at night, skipping meals, going for long runs). After the dust settled in the world, I got my own reasonable, small apartment. I told myself I would stop this restriction this time in leaving my parents house, but it didn't stop.
I eventually met my boyfriend (then friend, now bf). Eventually, we moved in together & this became a struggle as I now had to hide my eating habits again.
Diet Rock (Bad Word) Bottom...
I hit diet rock (bad word) bottom. Diet Rock Bottom.
If you have been here, sendin’ ya the tightest squeeze. This feeling freakin’ SUCKS.
I was mid-binge one morning at 5 am when I realized I mentally cannot take this secret, diet life anymore. I was so exhausted from living a double life, lying about what I ate or that I ate already (I became a really good liar -ew), sneaking food when no one was watching & saying "no" to invites when I didn't know what the food sitch would be.
Food Freedom & Yeppp... It's Back!!!!
Fast forward to now, after using the steps I provide in my online course, hiring a non-diet dietitian & the principles of intuitive eating, I slowly healed my relationship with food & my body.
It took some time (& a crap ton of hard, mental, beautiful work to rewire my brain)… but…. Yep…. you guessed it…. My period came back. And I celebrate that 'dang thang' every month now (on the couch in sweats with chocolate ice cream, of course - but still - I celebrate).
This was NO walk in the park, but hearing my story, I hope you realize food freedom is truly possible for anyone who wants it. Not one person on this earth (& I mean it) deserves to live with heavy burdens of food rules, yo-yo dieting & disordered eating habit. It's truly life robbery.
I am now confidently able to honor my relationship with food & my body while still focusing on being “healthy" instead of prioritizing societal pressures & definitions of what health & beauty is "supposed" to look like (whateverrrr).
Believe me when I say… you have GOT THIS whole ditching diet culture thing.
You are stronger than ya think.
I never will go back to those uncomfortable behaviors around food & my body & I want THAT for you, TOO.
Talk soon!
XOXO,
Ash
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